I’ve had quite a lot of writers block this past week as I started my first round of intensification treatment. I like using my blog to keep everyone updated, but it is also a good therapeutic outlet for me. Writing allows me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and sharing them usually helps to ease some of my anxiety.
Lately, though, my mind has been so over filled that I am not even sure what to write because it is a jumbled mess. I guess that is chemo brain for you.
Overall I have felt okay during this phase. The most prominent side effect from the chemo I got on day 1 and my oral chemo has been fatigue. My energy levels have been pretty low and I tire out a lot more quickly doing everyday tasks. This is tough to get used to because I want to be able to do so many things. Instead I listen to my body and give it the rest it needs and try to remind myself that this is a long road.
I started writing this post two days ago when I couldn’t sleep. Here I am again, my mind racing, unable to turn it off and simply go to bed. My anxiety has understandably increased since being diagnosed with cancer, but it is so much more than that.
There’s an episode on the Big Bang Theory where Leonard finds an overdue DVD that never got returned from many years ago. This is something that would deeply upset Sheldon. To try to get Leonard to understand how this makes him feel, Sheldon has Leonard wear an itchy old sweater until he can return the DVD because to him, this overdue DVD makes him feel like there’s an itch inside of his head.
This episode resonates with me so much because I frequently find that my anxiety manifests in ways that I can’t describe to people. Half the time I don’t understand myself why I feel the way I do. For those of you who suffer from anxiety and/ or depression like I do, or any mental health disorder, I see you. I am with you.
This year hasn’t been easy for anyone. It seems like the whole world is just up in flames. I keep thinking one day I’m going to wake up and everything that has happened in 2020 will have been a crazy nightmare. That would be nice!
I realize that I have gone off on a pretty long tangent at this point. It seems I needed to get some stuff off of my chest. With that I am going to try to get some sleep, or look up more recipes on pinterest. Enjoy some Zoey photos! She has been home less than a week and my camera roll is already loaded with pictures of her.
P.S. If you are struggling with anything and ever want to talk, please reach out. I am always here to listen and provide whatever comfort I can. Just because I am fighting my own battles doesn’t mean I can’t be there to support you. We may all be having a hard time, but that doesn’t mean we have to go through it alone.
4 thoughts on “Vulnerable”
Please know you and Luke are thought of tens of times each day, some times worrying, wondering, hoping inside those thoughts. Each opening of my email comes with a silent hope there will be news…of any kind..to reassure us you are trying your best to drive the Leukemia demons from your body. Never worry about admitting to pain, depression, temporary loss of life as you knew it…these things all take time but with your strength and love of each other and your family you WILL see better days. I hope you can let us know where Zoey is….hoping safe and content with a loving caregiver? Keeping you nestled in my heart!
Lindsey and Luke, I misread the blog and thought that Zoey was away for a bit…I am glad she is there with you!!
Hugs to you! My son has a lot of OCD/anxiety, even before his diagnosis in October. Some days it is the anxiety that requires more reassurance and support than the leukemia treatment. It is such a roller coaster too, by the time he starts feeling halfway good, he has another treatment. Does not help with the mental health side of things at all. He did just have his last treatment this cycle and starts maintenance next cycle. Get lots of rest, be kind to yourself!
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Hey Lindsey. How are you going? This post brought tears to my eyes! When you said “I see you. I am with you” it really moved me. I have lived with depression and more recently, anxiety as well, for most of my life. Some days are hard. What has helped me get through it, is having empathy for others. That’s why when I came across your blog, I wanted to reach out to you to show you that a stranger on the other side of the world, is thinking of you and wishing you well! The fact that you have so much empathy for others, even when you are going through this horrible experience, really shows what an amazing person you are, Lindsey. Even though I am a stranger to you, I see you and I am with you. XXX Sasha