I’ve had quite a lot of writers block this past week as I started my first round of intensification treatment. I like using my blog to keep everyone updated, but it is also a good therapeutic outlet for me. Writing allows me to get my thoughts and feelings out of my head and sharing them usually helps to ease some of my anxiety.
Lately, though, my mind has been so over filled that I am not even sure what to write because it is a jumbled mess. I guess that is chemo brain for you.
Overall I have felt okay during this phase. The most prominent side effect from the chemo I got on day 1 and my oral chemo has been fatigue. My energy levels have been pretty low and I tire out a lot more quickly doing everyday tasks. This is tough to get used to because I want to be able to do so many things. Instead I listen to my body and give it the rest it needs and try to remind myself that this is a long road.
I started writing this post two days ago when I couldn’t sleep. Here I am again, my mind racing, unable to turn it off and simply go to bed. My anxiety has understandably increased since being diagnosed with cancer, but it is so much more than that.
There’s an episode on the Big Bang Theory where Leonard finds an overdue DVD that never got returned from many years ago. This is something that would deeply upset Sheldon. To try to get Leonard to understand how this makes him feel, Sheldon has Leonard wear an itchy old sweater until he can return the DVD because to him, this overdue DVD makes him feel like there’s an itch inside of his head.
This episode resonates with me so much because I frequently find that my anxiety manifests in ways that I can’t describe to people. Half the time I don’t understand myself why I feel the way I do. For those of you who suffer from anxiety and/ or depression like I do, or any mental health disorder, I see you. I am with you.
This year hasn’t been easy for anyone. It seems like the whole world is just up in flames. I keep thinking one day I’m going to wake up and everything that has happened in 2020 will have been a crazy nightmare. That would be nice!
I realize that I have gone off on a pretty long tangent at this point. It seems I needed to get some stuff off of my chest. With that I am going to try to get some sleep, or look up more recipes on pinterest. Enjoy some Zoey photos! She has been home less than a week and my camera roll is already loaded with pictures of her.
P.S. If you are struggling with anything and ever want to talk, please reach out. I am always here to listen and provide whatever comfort I can. Just because I am fighting my own battles doesn’t mean I can’t be there to support you. We may all be having a hard time, but that doesn’t mean we have to go through it alone.