The Hardest Two Weeks of my Life

I honestly don’t know how to start this blog post. There are no words that can describe the loss of Luke and the emptiness I feel without him.

We were long distance for four and a half years of our seven year relationship. One of the things we excelled most at was communication. Even from afar we were able to have the most simple and quiet conversations and know exactly how the other was feeling and what they needed. He was my best friend and not having him to talk to these last two weeks has been so incredibly painful.

I find myself constantly going to text him or send him messages. I send him snap chats of our fur babies constantly. In my head I keep thinking he’s going to come strolling out of his computer room any second looking for a snack or to just kiss me on the forehead. I honestly can’t believe I that he isnt here anymore. There’s a hole in my heart and I don’t know if it will ever fully heal.

I am writing this blog post because I find it is very difficult for me to publicly show my emotions. I have a tendency to come off as stoic or cold and I don’t want people to get the wrong impression. Just because I’m able to keep my composure in public doesn’t mean I’m not grieving. Everyone deals with grief differently and it changes over time. My grief comes in waves. One day I am fine and taking care of myself and the fur babies and the next day I could be struggling to find the energy to put a waffle in the toaster.

I feel fortunate to have such an incredible support system both here in Winnipeg and all over the world. My Safeway colleagues have become like family for me and I’m so grateful to have Luke’s colleagues as well. There has been no shortage of support from these incredible people.

Having Luke’s family here has been so nice too. Being able to share stories with them and be near to the people he loved more than anything has helped me through the last two weeks immensely. Luke didn’t want to leave us, but more than anything he didn’t want us to be sad. He wanted to be remembered for the positive, happy, wonderfully weird person that he was.

My parents arrived this past Wednesday. It will be really nice once they are done with quarantine. Thinking about Luke’s family leaving has been weighing on me, but knowing I have my parents here once they go is making it easier.

We are still working on an online obituary and gathering photos of Luke through the years. Once we have that completed I will share it. I will also post a page with as many photos as I can. Feel free to send in photos to me. They bring light into my life. He was the most goofy happy go lucky man and while I had to frequently force him to smile for photos, nothing makes me as happy as seeing his silly faces in photos over the years.

While I’m not 100% read to talk about his last moments, I am thankful that I was able to be there for him. I spent all day that Saturday holding his hand, talking to him, telling him how loved he was, and making sure that he knew he wasn’t alone. We both knew he was ready and he wasn’t afraid of going. The only thing he was scared about was leaving me and his lovedones behind.

This is a major testament to the man that Luke was and how he will be remembered. He went through absolute chaos these last three years, but he still always put others first. I remember when he was first diagnosed that he said he was scared, but he was glad it was him because he didn’t think he could handle watching me go through this. When I was diagnosed I could see something break inside him. He was more worried for me and my health than his own because he knew he couldn’t be there for me in the same way I was for him.

I could go on and on for decades about the amazing man I married. I am so lucky to have had him in my life even if I was for just 7 short years. Those will always be the best years of my life. He inspired me in so many ways and supported all of my dreams. He never let me give up on myself even when there were days that I didn’t think I could succeed.

Please remember Luke this way. Remember him for all the love he had to give and the positive person he always was. When you think of him, remember him smiling or laughing or making goofy faces. Never forget the wonderful human that Luke Belding was and continue to hold him close in your hearts when you go fishing or hunting, play basketball or volley ball, when you swim in the ocean or lay on a beach, or when you hold your loved ones close. Think of him often, and think of him fondly.

9 thoughts on “The Hardest Two Weeks of my Life

  1. πŸ’•

    On Sat, Sep 26, 2020 at 12:56 PM Life, Love, and Leukemia wrote:

    > Life Love and Leukemia posted: ” I honestly don’t know how to start this > blog post. There are no words that can describe the loss of Luke and the > emptiness I feel without him. We were long distance for four and a half > years of our seven year relationship. One of the things we ex” >

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  2. Lindsey, I have felt a deep sadness this week about the news of Luke, even though I only know him and you from the news coverage. What an extraordinary love you have for him and that he has for you; your words in this posting are so moving. The photos reveal your zaniness and affection — and are wonderful. May you be surrounded by love as you continue to receive treatment and navigate each day. The world can seem very cruel sometimes and yet there is beauty and joy still to be felt. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Carolyn

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  3. Lindsey I am one of your followers who has ever met you. I wanted you to know how heartbroken I was to hear of Luke’s passing. I was cheering and praying so hard for him. I too wish you could have had endless time together. I somehow think if Luke had chosen to write a blog that he would have written the exact same things about you. He loved you so much, you can tell in the pictures you post and the stories you share. I am so glad you have a circle of support and I can’t wait for you to soon be in the comforting arms of your parents. You make me a better nurse through reading your story, thank you. PS the pic of you and Luke zipped up in the hoody is the absolute best! πŸ₯°

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  4. All the love and prayers sent your way Lindsey! Our hearts break for you . So young to have lost so much . Luke sounds like he was wonderful and I am glad you had him. Take one day at a time hun . As you said grief comes and goes πŸ’•πŸ™πŸ˜˜πŸ™

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  5. Oh, Lindsey! I am shocked to read your post about Luke’s passing. I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through right now. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself time to process the loss of Luke in your own way and in your own time. I know we have never met, but following your blog over the past few months, I have thought of you and Luke often. I am deeply saddened to hear that Luke has passed away and I am sending you all the love and best wishes from Australia! If you ever want to talk/cry/share memories of Luke with me to help in your grief process, please do get in touch. Lots of love, Sasha XXX

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  6. The first few months are brutal and though it never totally goes away , time does help heal
    I am glad your parents will be hugging you soon.
    God Bless you and get healthy.
    Sending good health your way! πŸ™
    Amanda Bruce

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  7. I am so sorry to read this. I have been following your blog and rooting for you both. Though I’ve never met him, I can see Luke was a loving partner and wonderful human being. I am wishing that his love for you and the memories you shared bring you comfort and strength.

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  8. Lindsey, though we never met I know your journey by working with your sister Jessica many years at Compass. She would always talk about you..graduating from WH then college and beyond. I could tell she was a proud sister and so much love. I am deeply heartbroken to hear about Luke. Please know my thoughts are with you and Luke’s family. Sending a warm hug from the South Shore.
    “What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.” (Helen Keller)

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