I honestly don’t know how to start this blog post. There are no words that can describe the loss of Luke and the emptiness I feel without him.

We were long distance for four and a half years of our seven year relationship. One of the things we excelled most at was communication. Even from afar we were able to have the most simple and quiet conversations and know exactly how the other was feeling and what they needed. He was my best friend and not having him to talk to these last two weeks has been so incredibly painful.

I find myself constantly going to text him or send him messages. I send him snap chats of our fur babies constantly. In my head I keep thinking he’s going to come strolling out of his computer room any second looking for a snack or to just kiss me on the forehead. I honestly can’t believe I that he isnt here anymore. There’s a hole in my heart and I don’t know if it will ever fully heal.

I am writing this blog post because I find it is very difficult for me to publicly show my emotions. I have a tendency to come off as stoic or cold and I don’t want people to get the wrong impression. Just because I’m able to keep my composure in public doesn’t mean I’m not grieving. Everyone deals with grief differently and it changes over time. My grief comes in waves. One day I am fine and taking care of myself and the fur babies and the next day I could be struggling to find the energy to put a waffle in the toaster.

I feel fortunate to have such an incredible support system both here in Winnipeg and all over the world. My Safeway colleagues have become like family for me and I’m so grateful to have Luke’s colleagues as well. There has been no shortage of support from these incredible people.

Having Luke’s family here has been so nice too. Being able to share stories with them and be near to the people he loved more than anything has helped me through the last two weeks immensely. Luke didn’t want to leave us, but more than anything he didn’t want us to be sad. He wanted to be remembered for the positive, happy, wonderfully weird person that he was.

My parents arrived this past Wednesday. It will be really nice once they are done with quarantine. Thinking about Luke’s family leaving has been weighing on me, but knowing I have my parents here once they go is making it easier.

We are still working on an online obituary and gathering photos of Luke through the years. Once we have that completed I will share it. I will also post a page with as many photos as I can. Feel free to send in photos to me. They bring light into my life. He was the most goofy happy go lucky man and while I had to frequently force him to smile for photos, nothing makes me as happy as seeing his silly faces in photos over the years.

While I’m not 100% read to talk about his last moments, I am thankful that I was able to be there for him. I spent all day that Saturday holding his hand, talking to him, telling him how loved he was, and making sure that he knew he wasn’t alone. We both knew he was ready and he wasn’t afraid of going. The only thing he was scared about was leaving me and his lovedones behind.

This is a major testament to the man that Luke was and how he will be remembered. He went through absolute chaos these last three years, but he still always put others first. I remember when he was first diagnosed that he said he was scared, but he was glad it was him because he didn’t think he could handle watching me go through this. When I was diagnosed I could see something break inside him. He was more worried for me and my health than his own because he knew he couldn’t be there for me in the same way I was for him.

I could go on and on for decades about the amazing man I married. I am so lucky to have had him in my life even if I was for just 7 short years. Those will always be the best years of my life. He inspired me in so many ways and supported all of my dreams. He never let me give up on myself even when there were days that I didn’t think I could succeed.

Please remember Luke this way. Remember him for all the love he had to give and the positive person he always was. When you think of him, remember him smiling or laughing or making goofy faces. Never forget the wonderful human that Luke Belding was and continue to hold him close in your hearts when you go fishing or hunting, play basketball or volley ball, when you swim in the ocean or lay on a beach, or when you hold your loved ones close. Think of him often, and think of him fondly.