It has been a while since I have written a blog post. To be honest, I’m not even sure if I’ll finish this one. I’ve had writers block these last two months and with my parents and Luke’s family here I really just wanted to be present while I had them around.
Covid-19 has truly made what has already been a hard year feel impossible. It is adding an extra layer of anxiety and difficulty to everything. My parents and Luke’s family had to quarantine for 14 days before they could come stay with me. That’s 14 days that they could have been with me, but instead they had to be isolated.
Don’t get me wrong I understand why 100% and know that it was necessary, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. Regardless I am so thankful that I had that time with Luke’s family and then my own parents here to keep me company and help me through the last month.
My dad helped me hang up many pictures, fixed my shower head, and transformed Zoey into such a good walker. Before meeting my dad Zoey was a pulling machine and didn’t have many manners. Now she is like a new dog. She walks next to me and rarely pulls and she has improved her manners immensely. I’m so grateful for everything he does for me, but especially for all the help with Zoey.
My mom basically made all of our meals for us the whole time she was here. It felt so nice to have help in the kitchen. She also helped me make a beautiful blanket and do some organizing and sorting with Luke’s clothing. I’m incredibly thankful for all of the love and support my mom gives me every day. Whether she is here in Winnipeg or back home in Mass she is always there for me.
Treatment-wise I have been continuing with the intensification phase of treatment and I’m due to start my next round on Friday. Last week my neutrophils were low which means I’m at greater risk of infection. They will test me again on Thursday and if my counts have gone up then Friday I will start chemo again. In addition to this, I have a lumbar puncture scheduled for Friday. I have to get these every 18 weeks.
I’m not looking forward to another lumbar puncture but I know it’s necessary. They will check to make sure that there is still no leukemia in my central nervous system and also inject chemo to help prevent it. My wonderful friend Evelien even offered to take me so I won’t have to worry about driving home after my LP.
I decided against getting the transplant because it comes with more long term risks and would require another hospital stay. I feel good about my decision and my doctor and oncology team support me 100%. So far I’ve been tolerating treatments really well with minimal side effects. I am taking everything one day at a time
You might be thinking, this is an awful lot of words for a post titled “There are no words”. Well when I titled this post all I could think is that there aren’t any words that can truly describe what I am going through. There are no words that can make this okay. But I know that I have to live my life and try my best to stay positive, for Luke.
For the majority of the last two months I have been in denial. While I have my moments where it hits me hard, I often feel numb. There are so many things I haven’t been able to say out loud or even write. I know I will have to say those things eventually and admit out loud that he is gone, but I’m just not there yet. Grief is different for everyone, so I will take all the time I need.
Right now my Zoey and Penny are what motivates me every day. They give me so much love, keep me moving, and make me feel not so alone. They make me want be strong and brave.