There Are No Words

It has been a while since I have written a blog post. To be honest, I’m not even sure if I’ll finish this one. I’ve had writers block these last two months and with my parents and Luke’s family here I really just wanted to be present while I had them around.

Covid-19 has truly made what has already been a hard year feel impossible. It is adding an extra layer of anxiety and difficulty to everything. My parents and Luke’s family had to quarantine for 14 days before they could come stay with me. That’s 14 days that they could have been with me, but instead they had to be isolated.

Don’t get me wrong I understand why 100% and know that it was necessary, but that doesn’t make it suck any less. Regardless I am so thankful that I had that time with Luke’s family and then my own parents here to keep me company and help me through the last month.

My dad helped me hang up many pictures, fixed my shower head, and transformed Zoey into such a good walker. Before meeting my dad Zoey was a pulling machine and didn’t have many manners. Now she is like a new dog. She walks next to me and rarely pulls and she has improved her manners immensely. I’m so grateful for everything he does for me, but especially for all the help with Zoey.

My mom basically made all of our meals for us the whole time she was here. It felt so nice to have help in the kitchen. She also helped me make a beautiful blanket and do some organizing and sorting with Luke’s clothing. I’m incredibly thankful for all of the love and support my mom gives me every day. Whether she is here in Winnipeg or back home in Mass she is always there for me.

Treatment-wise I have been continuing with the intensification phase of treatment and I’m due to start my next round on Friday. Last week my neutrophils were low which means I’m at greater risk of infection. They will test me again on Thursday and if my counts have gone up then Friday I will start chemo again. In addition to this, I have a lumbar puncture scheduled for Friday. I have to get these every 18 weeks.

I’m not looking forward to another lumbar puncture but I know it’s necessary. They will check to make sure that there is still no leukemia in my central nervous system and also inject chemo to help prevent it. My wonderful friend Evelien even offered to take me so I won’t have to worry about driving home after my LP.

I decided against getting the transplant because it comes with more long term risks and would require another hospital stay. I feel good about my decision and my doctor and oncology team support me 100%. So far I’ve been tolerating treatments really well with minimal side effects. I am taking everything one day at a time

You might be thinking, this is an awful lot of words for a post titled “There are no words”. Well when I titled this post all I could think is that there aren’t any words that can truly describe what I am going through. There are no words that can make this okay. But I know that I have to live my life and try my best to stay positive, for Luke.

For the majority of the last two months I have been in denial. While I have my moments where it hits me hard, I often feel numb. There are so many things I haven’t been able to say out loud or even write. I know I will have to say those things eventually and admit out loud that he is gone, but I’m just not there yet. Grief is different for everyone, so I will take all the time I need.

Right now my Zoey and Penny are what motivates me every day. They give me so much love, keep me moving, and make me feel not so alone. They make me want be strong and brave.

My sweet Zozo
The prettiest Penny
I love and miss you every minute of every day Lukey
Penny showing off the blanket mom and I made
Love of my life

6 thoughts on “There Are No Words

  1. Dear Lindsey
    You continue to be one of the bravest people I know. I wish you well in your next set of treatments. I love all your pictures and the way you have made a special sacred space that shows your union with Luke. He truly is forever with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so strong, missing Luke and fighting your own battle, along with living during COVID times. Hopefully your counts will be up so you can do your chemo. It’s sad your family cannot be there with you but hopefully your fur babies will bring you comfort and smiles. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Lindsey,
    You don’t know me (I served with Luke’s Grandfather on a local Board of Directors many years ago.), but I have been following yours and Luke’s story since before his passing. My heart ached when he died, for the loss of his beautiful soul, and for you going forward without him. I wept just now reading your blog even as I marvel at your strength, courage, and wisdom … the wisdom to accept what you can manage at this time and to take whatever time you need to deal with everything else. I love the pictures you posted, and especially the special space that holds the dearest symbols of the love you and Luke share. You are one strong woman Lindsey, an inspiration to many. I hold you close in prayer.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I agree with you Lindsey there are no words to describe what you are going through. You are an amazing strong woman and I wish you all the best in your treatments. Thinking of you and sending positive healing vibes your way!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Lindsey — it is SO GOOD to see you writing again. You are going through one of the toughest experiences any human being can endure. Maybe it helps, even a bit, to set your emotions and thoughts down in words. There are so many of us who are thinking about you and sending positive thoughts your way. I am hoping that the next few months bring you calmness and comfort, and that your body continues to heal.

    Liked by 1 person

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