December 1st

It’s the last month of 2020. It’s hard to believe that this year is almost over. It has felt like the longest year of my life and yet it has flown by. So much has happened I can’t even begin to muddle through it all.

One of the things that Luke and I used to bicker about was when the Christmas decorations (aka the tree) should go up. I always said after Thanksgiving and he said not until December 1st. Normally we would argue about this and I’d put up a fuss about waiting the few days until the 1st before putting up the decorations. All in playful fun.

Well this year I decided to give Luke the win and wait until the 1st before attempting to drag out the tree. As I am writing this it’s still November 30th and I’m still not sure I want to put up the tree tomorrow.

Part of the reason I don’t want to put it up is I had a feeling that Zoey may knock it down. However, the bigger reason is that spending Christmas completely alone just feels wrong. How can I celebrate this holiday season without my best friend. We had finally started to make our own traditions and now I have to spend the holidays alone.

It’s now officially December 1st and I’m still not sure where to put the tree. Theres a lot more stuff in the living room than in years past. There’s the dog crate, the freezer, and now there are things hanging on the walls. I have some thinking and maneuvering to do.

As far as how I’m doing that’s a loaded question. The easy answer is that I’m doing well. Physically I’m getting stronger and I have been tolerating my treatments well. I have also start physiotherapy to help with the neuropathy in my feet and ankles.

The hard answer is that I honestly don’t know how I am. Some days I have energy and motivation to get things done. Other days I feel like I have no energy and I don’t want to do anything. I feel my grief physically at times. My sleep has been erratic and even when I sleep a full night I’m still always fatigued.

I’m doing well and I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. I just feel that we need to be honest with how we are feeling. I have always been a big advocate for mental health. I struggle with mine every day, but I know I’ll get through this. One day at a time.

The first day of December is drawing to a close, and I have officially put up my Christmas tree. It is oddly comforting. I know Luke wasn’t a huge fan of Christmas, but these last two years we really enjoyed having our cheap little tree and spending the holidays just the two of us.

I miss him so much. His voice, his touch, his hugs, his ability to make me smile. I miss talking to him and sending him funny things and pictures of puppies. I miss sending him messages when something happens. Luke was my person. I am filled with so much sadness that I can’t talk to him anymore, but I try to feel his presence and do what I can to honor him in everything I do.

Thank you as always to everyone who reaches out to me to offer love and support. I feel so fortunate to have such wonderful people in my life.

My baby Mohawk

4 thoughts on “December 1st

  1. I’m sorry for your loneliness. You are so strong, even though you feel weak. Take your time with grief. It is not to be rushed.
    Good to see your hair coming back!
    I still think of you and pray for you.
    Cindy Miller


  2. Lindsey — your honesty is so refreshing. Telling the truth about how you feel is crucial, I think, to being alive and taking each day. And you are going through one of the hardest experiences any human can endure: cancer and losing the love of your life. Go easy on yourself, always. I will tell you that when I was having my first chemo treatments done, a Holocaust survivor who is a friend of mine called me in the hospital: he said to me, “Carolyn, you have to be mentally very tough.” I took that to heart and it helped me. Some days are just awful, but others give a glimmer of hope. I see you doing this — even in putting up the Xmas decorations. May you find moments of peace and calm over this coming holiday season. Sending you the very best wishes, Carolyn


  3. Sometimes, i wonder why life gets so hard…
    you will get stronger with time, One day at a time. Stay well ! 🙏👍


  4. Hi Lindsay, its me, the lady from Queens NY who you don’t know. I hope you don’t mind that I read your blog. You remind me so much of me, because I lost my husband young like you did. But you are ill, I was not. I wanted to say to you, your BRAVERY, your COURAGE and your STRENGTH just floor me. You, my dear, are an inspiration to this 66 year old woman Ive lost many people now that I am older, and I am scared to death in general these days. But, when I read your words, see your ability to still find happy moments with the lovely Zoey, it just lifts me up. You will one day be my age (i hate 66, reminds me of 666). You will look back, read what your wrote, and say how did I ever live through this? And you will. You will live again, you will love again. I promise you. I just think you are so incredibly special. God Bless you and Zoey. Luke would want you to be happy, so on your bad days, just think of him cheering you on!!


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