One Year. That’s how long it has been since I last saw the love of my life. One year since I last looked in his eyes and felt whole and complete. One year since I last held Luke’s hand and kissed his warm skin. One year has passed since I saw him take his last breaths and felt a piece of myself go with him.
This may be a bit hard for some to read, just a heads up. I remember the day so clearly. I remember getting called in the middle of the night that Luke had taken a turn for the worse. I remember rushing out the door so I could get to the hospital and be there for Luke. When I got there Luke could barely speak and was struggling to stay oxygenated. We both knew that this was it. Luke and I had frequently talked about our wishes when it came to how we wanted to go. These are tough conversations, but they are so necessary when dealing with a disease like cancer. I knew Luke didn’t want to be put on a ventilator or spend his last day in an ICU. When it came to the end, he wanted to be comfortable and pain free, so that is what we did for him. I spent the entire day holding his hand and talking to him. Even though he was asleep and couldn’t reply, I just wanted him to know that he was loved and not alone. It broke my soul to watch him take his last breaths that day.
I know that was a bit heavy, but with it being the one year anniversary of Luke’s death I have been thinking about that day a lot and wanted to share.
This past year has been filled with ups and downs. I honestly can’t believe a full year went by already. I spend a lot of my time looking through old photos and videos and reminiscing on the life that Luke and I shared together. These memories fill me with happiness. I love to hear stories about him and remember all of the goofy things he used to do. That is what he would want. Luke would not want us dwelling the fact that he is gone, but rather to live life to the fullest and keep his memory alive by telling stories and loving each other (and of course our planet).
One of the biggest thing that keeps me going through all of the garbage I have had to deal with is my girls. Penny and Zoey are the best things in my life. Penny gives me an endless supply of snuggles and kisses and she always makes sure to be there for me on hard days. She and Luke had an incredibly special bond and I have no doubt that when he didn’t come home she felt his absence. Sometimes she climbs onto the burrow where I keep Luke’s ashes and I like to think she is saying hello to her daddy. Zoey is the one that gets me moving every day. She gives me a reason to get out of bed and someone to take care of. She makes me smile constantly with her goofy antics and I often think that there is a little piece of Luke’s soul in her. She is the happiest dog and her smile lights up my life. I wish so much that Luke could see her now. I spend most of my days taking pictures and videos of the cute things Zoey does, and I know that Luke would be over the moon with happiness at how she has turned out. The friendship between Penny and Zoey would probably reduce him to a puddle of giggles, and I love thinking about that.
I didn’t plan a direction for this post to go but really just wanted to get my thought of today out of my head. Thank you to everyone who has reached out in support of myself and our family. This isn’t the kind of anniversary we look forward to, but I try to take everything one day at a time. Everything that I do, I do in honor of Luke. He was the most amazing person I have ever met and I will spend the rest of my life trying to be the best version of myself.
Today I am spending the day doing a Hobbit/ Lord of the Rings movie marathon. This seems to be the most Lukey thing I can think of to do and is something he and I would often do together (at least once a year). I would give anything to be able to snuggle up next to him and watch this together one more time.