Okay folks I have some news so buckle up. It’s good news don’t worry, but I’m nervous about sharing it with all of you and what you might say. Well, here goes nothing…
I’ve started dating! Not only that, but I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man and I’m so incredibly happy. It feels weird to be announcing this but I’ve been so open and honest with this blog that I feel it is the best platform for me to share where I’m at in my life these days.
About two months ago I made the decision to put myself out there and try online dating. It worked out great the last time so maybe I’d get lucky again. I just wanted to try it out and see if I was actually ready to be in a relationship again. It was nerve wracking because I was afraid I’d be guarded and unable to open up or that I would be judged for the traumatic experiences I had been through. I quickly realized that this wasn’t the case and that I truly felt ready to be in the dating pool again. Yeah not every interaction was a match made in heaven but it felt nice to talk to people and flirt and put myself out there. It was like that part of me had been asleep these last couple of years, afraid to feel anything or even think about the possibility of a future with someone other than Luke. I soon remembered something though, Luke wanted me to find someone to share my life with.
Luke’s fear of dying was less about himself, and more about the people he was leaving behind. He was selfless. One thing he used to tell me when we would talk about the possibility that he may not make it, was that he was afraid of leaving me alone, especially given that I’d be alone in a different country with no family and just starting my life. He didn’t want me to be alone forever and wallow in my grief, he wanted me to be happy and find someone who would care for me and make me smile and walk through life with me if he couldn’t. It’s been a hard two years navigating life without my best friend, lover, confidant, and my safe place, but I finally feel like I’m coming out of this on the other side.
I am always going to love and miss Luke, that will never change. I think about him daily and he is a huge part of who I am. That doesn’t mean my heart is closed forever though, just means I had to make room in there for another. I feel so lucky to have found something special again, and what I have with Ryan is truly amazing and I am so thankful for him. I think he is exactly the kind of man Luke would have wanted me to find.
Ryan takes care of me in ways I have always wanted. He makes me feel special and cared for and safe. My cheeks constantly hurt from smiling so much and I haven’t laughed like this in ages. He is my best friend and my favorite person. If we go a couple of days without seeing each other I start missing him like crazy. We’ve only been together a little over a month, but it feels like we have been together several months already. I am so incredibly happy to have him in my life. Even the fur babies adore him and the feeling is mutual. Zoey is more excited to see him when we come home than she is to see me and both cats are happy to curl up on him or next to him. He loves them even though they are crazy and turn my house into a three ring circus.
I am sharing all of this because I want to be able to share the joy I feel for the first time in a long time. To everyone who knows and loves Luke like I do, please know I am not moving on, just forward. I will take Luke and the love we shared with me every day for the rest of my life. That will never change. I’ve just made room for another now and my heart feels full and happy once again.
Happy Valentine’s Day from this healing heart!
4 thoughts on “Buckle Up – It’s Valentine’s Day”
Love this. Love you. You deserve happiness and am sure Luke would approve.
That is wonderful! So happy for you!
I am so happy for you ! You deserve to be happy ! 💕
As always, you are brave and open and honest. I am smiling and crying at the same time. Very happy for you. You deserve to find joy and love again.